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| "Its like when you finally think things are going good and you work on keeping it that way, something/someone has to come along a fuck it all up...."
Matt Powell (1987 - present)
I really dont know what I am doing anymore. It seems like I keep heading in directions that lead me to a place that I really dont wanna go. Im mixed up and have noway/noone to help me get out of it. Lately i've been thinking about things that i usually never think about. Alot of "what ifs". What if i did this? or what if i did that? Random things that jump into my head then run out again for me to never think about again or to ponder apon over and over again. It does matter how hard i try, i am always negative in something. Financial, work, home, family, whatever it maybe.
Its funny, I always asked people for help me with certain situations in my life. And alot of the time, I had way more help then really needed. But I then started to think....i dont need their help. Everytime they help me out, i seem to just go right back to where i started again. Asking for more help. Its a never ending battle. I just need to work it out on my own. No help from noone. Being criticized over everything i do and being pushed deeper and deeper in to a hole that i built. Not really want I want! People can say, you NEED to do this or you NEED to do that. Make a schedule matt, you'll be suprised how much it helps. We thats cool and all, but i cant even do that without seeing the negatives.
Im not quiting, giving up, or trying to make you feel bad for me, or saying i cant do anything anymore for that matter. Im not asking for anyones help or "i know how you feel" stories. Im just letting you know whats up. So if you see me down or want to know how im doing, well....you'll know.
Im making changes in my life, i just dont know what changes yet.......
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| So I finally made the big leap once again and got a place of my own. Got a town house with a friend of mine in the mc millin woods area. Its a really nice place, just very big and VERY expensive. Once I got the call to see if I was even interested in moving out, I was iffy on the whole thing cause i always screw up my money once i get a new place. But I said sure and now here I am, broke as a joke. Got paid a week ago. Got the call to move in. Spent more then half of my check on the down payment for the apartment. Then had to pay my car payment and household supplies. But after all said and done, I wound up with about 13 bucks left to my name. Then about 2-3 days later, out of no where I end up with almost 400 bucks in the hole. I know right? Who the fuck does that? HA This guy!!! So then that made my week super sweet. Began posting bulletins, asking for money and all. Eventually a good buddy of mine spotted me 200 bucks which helped out tremendously. Still in the hole but not as bad as I was. Soooo.... Here I am now, on my couch. With no gas in my car and my only means of transportation is my NEW mountain bike, that I also bought with the money I had that got me into debt. Ha But on a lighter note, in about 4 days, I'll be on a plane to California. I'm super stocked on that. But by then hopefully I'll have money and be able to do at least something while down there. So wish me luck there. Stretched my ears another size up. My right ear started hurting real bad after I stretched it, so i took it out for a day and then put it back in. Feels much better now. This week has been one of the most memorable weeks I've had yet when it comes to being broke. Ive learned that I need to manage my money a little bit better then I thought I was doing. But Im always looking for the positives and hopefully things will work out in the end.
love life!
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| Over the past week I have pretty much dedicated my life to work. I agreed to work this weekend to cover for someone while their on vacation. But in return they will cover for me while I go on vacation in July. So I guess its not to bad.
Since work has been my only form of activity latly, I haven't really hung out with anyone. Its either been work or sleep. But with all this time to sleep and work, I have again began to think about things. In my last post, I said that having a g/f right now in my life would just suck. But after writing that, i begain to relize that all i really wanted out of my life was my ex. Ha! I was to bummed out about having to deal with her that week, which then made me not want a g/f all together. But strangely enough, after I posted my last blog, she has yet to call or bug me. Well wait...i take that back, she did call me the other day but i never picked up. I think I was sleeping. So since that situation has been lost, I've been much happier and dont really care what happens next. Hopefully something good, but if not....oh well. Ive been in that situation before, and have worked through it. Looking on trying to do something on the 4th of july. In the past I haven't been able to do anything cause of work, but now since I finally have that day off, im going to try to do something. It being with friends or just by myself, I'll make a day out of it. Love Life!
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| Every time I decide to write a new blog, it always ends up about me talking about how much I want to work on my life and how much happier a person I am. And Im sure for the ones of you that actually read my blog, I sound completely annoying. But these are my feelings and thats why I write a blog.
This past week I have been mostly busy with work or hanging around the house. I have friends, but all they wanna do is either ask me to do something for them or go do something that involves me spending money, which I didnt have alot of this week. So that got me down and gave me time to think. With that time, i thought about my cali trip coming up, work, money issues and most of all....relationships.
Over that past few days I have finally decided that as of right now, I am looking for no g/f. I cant even stand the thought of having another g/f right now. For the past 7 years, I have been in and out of relationships with girls. Right after a break up, Id run back into another relationship. Now dont get me wrong, I dont regret a min of the time i spent with the girls i dated. But as of right now, all im looking for is friendship. Just straight up friends. Nothing more, nothing less. I think thats what I really need most in my life right now is that. People I could just hang out with and wouldn't have to feel like impressing, babying, or treating them like someone their not. Just the thought of having to go through that again brings a disgust look apon my face.
This sudden outrage against being in a relationship didn't happen over night. Its been on my mind for a long ass time and now I'm finally letting it out in words.
So there ya have it, the big "issue" in my life at the moment.
On a lighter note, I have finally gotten paid and am a day away from moving. Just needed to buy a few more things for the place before i fully committed on moving out. My moms not to happy about me moving out, but all moms are like that. I believe this will be my moms third time being upset about me moving out again......I move out alot. ha
Things will get better. I just got to keep looking ahead and focus on what really needs to be focused apon.
(try to) Love life
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| The weeks passing haven't been to bad. I have mostly been busy with work and sleeping, but am on the path of moving out of my moms place and getting a room at a friend of mines. Just bought a new bed set, and entertainment stand. Am on the hunt for a t.v though. Dont have enough money to buy a brand new one, so am on the look for a used one. Sadly though, the house i will be living in, isnt the best of places for a straight edge kid to be staying at. Parties are placed about every weekend there and most of the time, things go down that i don't really like being a part of.
In other news, time is getting closer and closer as i prepare myself for my California trip. I have already bought my ticket and am slowly saving up some money for souvenirs while across the country. The guy im going with has family that lives around the LA area and will be letting us stay at their place for , i think, eight days. There was gonna be three of us going on this trip but one of my friends couldn't make it due to money issues. So now it will just be two of us now. Oh well..
Been making a few new friends here and there. Actually got stuck on the side of a Columbus highway with one. One of my tires completely exploded on the way to high street and had to throw on a donut tire on. Pretty exciting.
So things are looking a little better in my views of life. When not working or sleeping, I spend my days golfing or just chillen out side with friends or myself. Its not to bad not having to worry about certin things in life, but to just instead enjoy what you have and just roll with it. So thats what im trying to do, and it seem to kinda be working.
Or maybe.....just maybe, im full of shit and i dunno what im talking about. But you get the picture.
Love life!
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